Tips for talking to someone with stress disorder, anxiety, or depression.

I don't normally do blogs, or typing, or anything other then household chores while my kids are awake and my husband is working so I am going to TRY and make this short and sweet. I have a LOT of things going through my mind and wanted to share a few things with you.

 

Before we go into it all, I want to apologize to those who took offense to my last post. I came of a little more harsh then I probably should have. It was brought to my attention by a few people that not everyone knows how to talk to someone who suffers from depression and anxiety. In my last post, I let my true feelings come out a bit more harsh then I normally do. We will get into that a little momentarily though.

10 things to say -VS- things to NOT say. reference Health at the end.
1. I'm here for you. -VS- There is someone worse off then you.
   - No, I haven't had someone actually tell me "there is someone worse off then you." but I have gotten "Well, I have -this-, -this-, -this-, and -this- going on." or "This person is dealing with -this-." Hearing how bad off someone else is only makes us feel worse. Cause now we aren't just stressed or sad about one thing... now we feel like a failure because we are like this and someone is dealing with something worse...

2. You are important to me. -VS- No one said life was fair.
   - Yes, some people have actually said the later to me... They are lucky they are on the other side of the country and that I didn't deck them. Seriously, reassurance is extremely important.

3. Do you need a hug. -VS- Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
   - I always hate when people tell me things like "don't worry about it" or "it's no big deal"... Most people don't understand the emotions that I am feeling. You don't know what I am feel or why I am feeling this way unless I tell you, and frankly, there aren't many people in this WORLD that I talk to like that. Telling me to "sit down and relax" is impossible if there are things around me that trigger me. Sometimes, all I need is a hug, dinner-date, or just a walk with some friends outside.

4. You are not crazy. -VS- So, your depressed. Aren't you always.
   - I joke with some people about how I'm a few fries short of a Happy Meal and Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs, and these people will joke back with me. The things that me stay sane is when these friends, after the joking as stopped, re-assure me that I am really not crazy. I'm not always depressed. I do have some good days. And most importantly, these are just days... they end and a new one starts at sunrise.

5. We are not on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through. -VS- Try not to be so depressed.
   - This one makes me look at the screen a bit longer when people say "Try not to be so depressed." If I am face to face, I typically start laughing... You really think I haven't tried that? A lot of times when people say something along these lines, I feel like they aren't taking me seriously when I tell them that I have a real disorder, a disability even. There are days that no amount of trying can get me out of my "funk". Trying is something we do every day, just to make it through till tomorrow. We are not generally hopeless people. Most of us hope for a better tomorrow, whether it comes or not isn't always up to us.

6. When all this is over, I’ll still be here and so will you. -VS- It's your own fault.
   -This is something that I am facing right now. I know there are other people out there that deal with stress, anxiety, and depression. My problem is, these people take direct offense of the things I feel and then I get things like "Sorry, can't help ya.", or "There is no help out there that I can give", and "You are just too down for me to be around."... These are all things I have heard or read TO ME in the last 24 hours...

7. I can’t really understand what you are feeling, but I can offer my compassion. -VS- Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed once for several days.
   - This is a tough one even for me. Talking to people who suffer from stress, anxiety, and depression, I know what I feel like when I am in a bad stop, but I cannot even fathom what someone else feels. I know the feeling of struggling, but ME struggling is different from YOU struggling. We can only understand to the point of what ourselves are, not what someone else is. It is very frustrating to try to explain to someone, NO, YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM FEELING! YOU ARE NOT ME!

8. I am not going to leave or abandon you. -VS- I believe depression is a way of punishing us.
   - I feel very abandoned right now. People are leaving my "circle of trust" (to quote Meet the Fockers) because they don't want to deal with me and then others are telling me that I am depressed because I have "sin in my heart". Seriously, way to make me feel EVEN WORSE!

9. I love(care) about you. (Only say this if you REALLY mean it.) -VS- Haven't you grown tired of this "me, me, me" stuff yet?
   - I am not writing all this to get attention just because I want to. I have hit bottom (again) and really need help. Hence the therapy, the blogs, the posts, the crying my eyes out, the muscle pain in my neck back and chest, the insomnia... I don't want to bring attention to myself just because I want it. I want... no I NEED positive reinforcement. I need someone to be there for me right now because I don't feel like I have that right now.

10. I’m sorry that you’re in so much pain. I am not going to leave you. I am going to take care of myself, so you don’t need to worry that your pain might hurt me. -VS- Have you tried Chamomile tea?
   - I'm not saying don't make suggestions to help, those are always welcome, but make sure you let people know that YOU ARE THERE for them. I can understand that you have to take care of YOU. Just say that instead of things like "I can't help you Danielle. And don't you dare blame ME for your problems. Help is coming, don't you worry. But NOT from me..."

Tips reference HealthCentral

General Tips:

- You are communicating with someone who already feel isolated and generally alone. Don't take offense or get discouraged if they become offensive or defensive.

- You don't understand what they are feeling or what they are going through. You may also suffer from depression or anxiety, but you really do not understand what THEY are feeling. It is better to admit you don't understand then pretend that you do.

- It is hard for some people to talk about what they are feeling. The conversation may be one-sided and may end up with more silence then talking, but don't feel like you need to fill in the gaps with words. Sometimes silence is just what we need.

 

Constructive Communication:

- Depression SUCKS and it is a real disorder, and even disability. When talking to someone make sure they know that YOU KNOW THAT.

- Persons who suffer from stress and anxiety already think no one is going to help. When you say you are there for them and are ready and willing to help, then follow through. Sometimes it means going out of your way to help.

- Be hopeful, but not a cheerleader. One comment a friend posted and is really sticking with me is a different version of the Serenity Prayer. "God grant me the serenity to accept today, the courage to get through tomorrow and the wisdom to know, this too shall pass." simplicity is typically best.

 

Dealing with depression in the WORKPLACE:

- Depression is an illness and in the United States, employers are required to accommodate to a person's illness. If you are concerned about a co-worker or employee, find out what they need to get their job done.

- Never be afraid to ask "Is there anything I can do to help you?" and be sure to follow through as best as you can.

 

Unhelpful remarks:

- Though these things seem helpful, they almost always have a bad effect on those of us who are struggling. You are well meaning, but it really doesn't help.

- Cheerleaders - The idea of "transferring" positive energy is a wonderful idea... if it actually worked.

- Drill Sergeant - Tough Love can bite me in the rear. All you are doing is pissing me off and making me want to close off from the world.

- Mr. (or Mrs.) Fix-it - You're name is not Felix, you do not fix everything you touch. You don't know exactly what will make me better. You can make suggestions, but in all honesty, I've probably tried it.

- Missionary - You know, those people who think depression, anxiety, and stress are God's way of punishing us for sinning... Yea, I'm not even going to go there, because then I will be having to apologize a LOT more...

 

Other "DON'Ts" to keep in mind:

- Don't EVER, EVER, EVER, I mean NEVER tell someone who is on a happy pill to stop taking them!!! EVER!

- Don't make it about you and how MY depression is affecting you...

 

DO NOT SAY THE FOLLOWING:

- "Just smile more..." Unless you want to be called a moron, don't say this to me... the whole "Fake it until you make it" doesn't work, it just bottles things up until you EXPLODE!

 

 

Summary

Depression SUCKS and many people suffer from it. The best way to "deal" with someone who is suffering is to (1) be sincere, (2) be gentle, (3) be you. Don't take offense if what you are doing isn't working or if he person upsets you by what he/she says. When you approach someone, start off by saying you noticed they are upset and that you care. I personally have noticed that when you approach me and talk to me like I am a person rather then a patient, I react and interact better.

 

 

References:
Health - http://www.health.com/health
HealthCentral - http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/news-1594-143.html

This post is not written by a doctor. It is written by someone who does suffer from different stress, anxiety and depression disorders. If you know someone who is dealing with depression, always suggest seeking help through a psychiatrist or therapist. If the person is a definite danger to themselves, please call and report it to the police.