Tips for talking to someone with stress disorder, anxiety, or depression.

I don't normally do blogs, or typing, or anything other then household chores while my kids are awake and my husband is working so I am going to TRY and make this short and sweet. I have a LOT of things going through my mind and wanted to share a few things with you.

 

Before we go into it all, I want to apologize to those who took offense to my last post. I came of a little more harsh then I probably should have. It was brought to my attention by a few people that not everyone knows how to talk to someone who suffers from depression and anxiety. In my last post, I let my true feelings come out a bit more harsh then I normally do. We will get into that a little momentarily though.

10 things to say -VS- things to NOT say. reference Health at the end.
1. I'm here for you. -VS- There is someone worse off then you.
   - No, I haven't had someone actually tell me "there is someone worse off then you." but I have gotten "Well, I have -this-, -this-, -this-, and -this- going on." or "This person is dealing with -this-." Hearing how bad off someone else is only makes us feel worse. Cause now we aren't just stressed or sad about one thing... now we feel like a failure because we are like this and someone is dealing with something worse...

2. You are important to me. -VS- No one said life was fair.
   - Yes, some people have actually said the later to me... They are lucky they are on the other side of the country and that I didn't deck them. Seriously, reassurance is extremely important.

3. Do you need a hug. -VS- Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
   - I always hate when people tell me things like "don't worry about it" or "it's no big deal"... Most people don't understand the emotions that I am feeling. You don't know what I am feel or why I am feeling this way unless I tell you, and frankly, there aren't many people in this WORLD that I talk to like that. Telling me to "sit down and relax" is impossible if there are things around me that trigger me. Sometimes, all I need is a hug, dinner-date, or just a walk with some friends outside.

4. You are not crazy. -VS- So, your depressed. Aren't you always.
   - I joke with some people about how I'm a few fries short of a Happy Meal and Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs, and these people will joke back with me. The things that me stay sane is when these friends, after the joking as stopped, re-assure me that I am really not crazy. I'm not always depressed. I do have some good days. And most importantly, these are just days... they end and a new one starts at sunrise.

5. We are not on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through. -VS- Try not to be so depressed.
   - This one makes me look at the screen a bit longer when people say "Try not to be so depressed." If I am face to face, I typically start laughing... You really think I haven't tried that? A lot of times when people say something along these lines, I feel like they aren't taking me seriously when I tell them that I have a real disorder, a disability even. There are days that no amount of trying can get me out of my "funk". Trying is something we do every day, just to make it through till tomorrow. We are not generally hopeless people. Most of us hope for a better tomorrow, whether it comes or not isn't always up to us.

6. When all this is over, I’ll still be here and so will you. -VS- It's your own fault.
   -This is something that I am facing right now. I know there are other people out there that deal with stress, anxiety, and depression. My problem is, these people take direct offense of the things I feel and then I get things like "Sorry, can't help ya.", or "There is no help out there that I can give", and "You are just too down for me to be around."... These are all things I have heard or read TO ME in the last 24 hours...

7. I can’t really understand what you are feeling, but I can offer my compassion. -VS- Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed once for several days.
   - This is a tough one even for me. Talking to people who suffer from stress, anxiety, and depression, I know what I feel like when I am in a bad stop, but I cannot even fathom what someone else feels. I know the feeling of struggling, but ME struggling is different from YOU struggling. We can only understand to the point of what ourselves are, not what someone else is. It is very frustrating to try to explain to someone, NO, YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM FEELING! YOU ARE NOT ME!

8. I am not going to leave or abandon you. -VS- I believe depression is a way of punishing us.
   - I feel very abandoned right now. People are leaving my "circle of trust" (to quote Meet the Fockers) because they don't want to deal with me and then others are telling me that I am depressed because I have "sin in my heart". Seriously, way to make me feel EVEN WORSE!

9. I love(care) about you. (Only say this if you REALLY mean it.) -VS- Haven't you grown tired of this "me, me, me" stuff yet?
   - I am not writing all this to get attention just because I want to. I have hit bottom (again) and really need help. Hence the therapy, the blogs, the posts, the crying my eyes out, the muscle pain in my neck back and chest, the insomnia... I don't want to bring attention to myself just because I want it. I want... no I NEED positive reinforcement. I need someone to be there for me right now because I don't feel like I have that right now.

10. I’m sorry that you’re in so much pain. I am not going to leave you. I am going to take care of myself, so you don’t need to worry that your pain might hurt me. -VS- Have you tried Chamomile tea?
   - I'm not saying don't make suggestions to help, those are always welcome, but make sure you let people know that YOU ARE THERE for them. I can understand that you have to take care of YOU. Just say that instead of things like "I can't help you Danielle. And don't you dare blame ME for your problems. Help is coming, don't you worry. But NOT from me..."

Tips reference HealthCentral

General Tips:

- You are communicating with someone who already feel isolated and generally alone. Don't take offense or get discouraged if they become offensive or defensive.

- You don't understand what they are feeling or what they are going through. You may also suffer from depression or anxiety, but you really do not understand what THEY are feeling. It is better to admit you don't understand then pretend that you do.

- It is hard for some people to talk about what they are feeling. The conversation may be one-sided and may end up with more silence then talking, but don't feel like you need to fill in the gaps with words. Sometimes silence is just what we need.

 

Constructive Communication:

- Depression SUCKS and it is a real disorder, and even disability. When talking to someone make sure they know that YOU KNOW THAT.

- Persons who suffer from stress and anxiety already think no one is going to help. When you say you are there for them and are ready and willing to help, then follow through. Sometimes it means going out of your way to help.

- Be hopeful, but not a cheerleader. One comment a friend posted and is really sticking with me is a different version of the Serenity Prayer. "God grant me the serenity to accept today, the courage to get through tomorrow and the wisdom to know, this too shall pass." simplicity is typically best.

 

Dealing with depression in the WORKPLACE:

- Depression is an illness and in the United States, employers are required to accommodate to a person's illness. If you are concerned about a co-worker or employee, find out what they need to get their job done.

- Never be afraid to ask "Is there anything I can do to help you?" and be sure to follow through as best as you can.

 

Unhelpful remarks:

- Though these things seem helpful, they almost always have a bad effect on those of us who are struggling. You are well meaning, but it really doesn't help.

- Cheerleaders - The idea of "transferring" positive energy is a wonderful idea... if it actually worked.

- Drill Sergeant - Tough Love can bite me in the rear. All you are doing is pissing me off and making me want to close off from the world.

- Mr. (or Mrs.) Fix-it - You're name is not Felix, you do not fix everything you touch. You don't know exactly what will make me better. You can make suggestions, but in all honesty, I've probably tried it.

- Missionary - You know, those people who think depression, anxiety, and stress are God's way of punishing us for sinning... Yea, I'm not even going to go there, because then I will be having to apologize a LOT more...

 

Other "DON'Ts" to keep in mind:

- Don't EVER, EVER, EVER, I mean NEVER tell someone who is on a happy pill to stop taking them!!! EVER!

- Don't make it about you and how MY depression is affecting you...

 

DO NOT SAY THE FOLLOWING:

- "Just smile more..." Unless you want to be called a moron, don't say this to me... the whole "Fake it until you make it" doesn't work, it just bottles things up until you EXPLODE!

 

 

Summary

Depression SUCKS and many people suffer from it. The best way to "deal" with someone who is suffering is to (1) be sincere, (2) be gentle, (3) be you. Don't take offense if what you are doing isn't working or if he person upsets you by what he/she says. When you approach someone, start off by saying you noticed they are upset and that you care. I personally have noticed that when you approach me and talk to me like I am a person rather then a patient, I react and interact better.

 

 

References:
Health - http://www.health.com/health
HealthCentral - http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/news-1594-143.html

This post is not written by a doctor. It is written by someone who does suffer from different stress, anxiety and depression disorders. If you know someone who is dealing with depression, always suggest seeking help through a psychiatrist or therapist. If the person is a definite danger to themselves, please call and report it to the police.

Life for today...

Audience Questions: please leave comments in the comments!

What are some things that you suggest? What are some things that you do to manage your anxiety, depression, and stress?

 

I have a few things on my mind today but I am only going to rant on one...I had someone ask me why I never talk about what I am really feeling. Why do I always hide the tears behind the laughs? Why do I hide the sadness behind a smile?

 

Why would anyone want to pour their heart out to someone for them to say the common, typical phrases that, let's face it, everyone says. Examples:

"Are you ok?" 

No, you moron! If I was ok, I wouldn't be crying, posting DAILY on Facebook about depression and how it AFFECTS ME, driving 220 miles round trip for therapy once a week, taking happy pills, or looking for other ways to manage my depression

"How can I help?"

This one is a big issue for me... People say this then NEVER follow through. Yea there are the select few that do, but 9 times out of 10, NOPE! Here is a small list of things that I need...

• Help paying for a service animal, because driving 220 miles every week is kinda killing the bank account.
• Time daily out of my house, but that means child-care, which I cant afford. Having a job would be ideal, but it has to pay enough to cover child-care.
• Real help with my PTSD, OCD, anxiety-disorder, stress-disorder, and recurrent depression.

 

"I'll pray for you."

I know this one shouldn't bother me so much. I mean, it's prayer... but I have found that the more people say this the less likely they are to really do it. There is a really simple way to fix this. The moment you think about praying for someone, DO IT THEN! Don't wait!



Most people say these things without even thinking because it is the nice, polite thing to do. But this is a whole other blog rant that will be left for another day. My point for today's blog is to let you all know how I managed through today.

My day TODAY



My day started off bad and only seemed to get worse... until I decided on making a few changes. My DD (Dear Daughter) woke up far too early this morning and I woke up with a migraine (PastTense was a big help) and so much tension in my neck I couldn't turn my head (Deep Blue Rub helped, but I'm still sore). After getting my DD back in bed, I managed to take a little nap. Woke up closer to 11:30a.

Now, my older two kids wake up before me and they get their own breakfast. If I don't make something the night before it's either yogurt or cereal. They were already awake once I got up. Got them all dressed then went down to make lunch... Making lunch is a little different for me then it is for most people. Those of you with OCD can probably relate a little bit with this. Making lunch involves a few extra steps... like dishes, counters, sweeping, moping. Which is why everything for actually MAKING lunch is prepped the day before. Throw it in the microwave and feed it to the kids as I am do all the cleaning that I need to in order to manage my anxiety. I typically end up cleaning for 30 minutes before I can wrap my head around "it's time to eat!".

This is the point where the anxiety is a level 10 from fighting with my DS to eat his vegetables, my DD to sit and actually eat, and my other DD to not shove the entire bowl full of beef stew into her mouth at one time. So, to help myself calm down, I decide to send them all upstairs to play while I clean up more downstairs. I didn't clean the whole time, I actually decided to do some yoga while the kids were "playing". I use the term loosely because I have to stop what I am doing AT LEAST every 15 minutes to break them up from fighting.

The yoga really helped... until the next disaster. After sweeping and moping the kitchen/dining and living room there came the other daily chores. It has been a busy day, but this is every day. Come 5:30p, when my husband called to let me know he was on the way home, I was ready to explode again so I did another round of yoga and then ate dinner.

Thoughts and feelings



I am the one who does the vast majority of the cleaning and cooking in my home. My husband helps where he can, but more often then not, I do it all. It is hard. I wish I were the kind of person who could sit in a room where it didn't have to be spotless clean. I wish I could just relax. But neither my body nor brain allow me to when there are things that I feel need to get done.

I try to keep a to-do list and try to only do what is on that list. I try to only do so much work in a day, but I cant manage to relax until everything is done. With three kids, two dogs, and a soldier in the house, the cleaning never ends...

It isn't just cleaning either. When my kids get along with each other my days are easier... when they are fighting, I want to set my whole house on fire. When I have a lot of things to do in a day, it is safer for everyone around me if the kids are sleeping or no where near me. The stress of having too much at one time is never a good blend. My habit... I tend to push too much into one single day so I don't have to do anything extra on the days my husband works. This ends up back firing on me because I end up freaking out on my husband and kids. Anxiety truly sucks!

I want to be a normal, happy, loving person. I want to be able to live, eat, and breath like a normal person.

"Just keep swimming!"

 

JOKE: What is the advantage of stress?

Answer: find out at the end of the blog!!!

Don't let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life.

 

There are bad days, and there are BAAAD days. Either way, they are just days, and days end.

 

God grant me the serenity to accept today, the power to get through tomorrow and the wisdom to know, this too shall pass.

 

Are you noticing the theme yet? I have been struggling the last few months and have been holding it in as best as I could. However, today I decided to share with you. I wanted to give everyone else the support that I have been needing myself. Sometimes the best medicine is helping someone else.

 

Over the past few months, I have been regularly seeing a therapist and psychiatrist to help me work through my PTSD, SAD, and currently OCD. There are good days and bad days, happy moods and sad, angry outbursts, and bursts of happiness.

 

Days wont always be good, even for those who don't struggle with mental disabilities. Even with bad days, there will always be a new day.

 

Even with bad days there are some things that still need to be done. Things like eating and working. So, how do you keep going when you don't want to go anymore? I have a little extra help in my home.

 

Kids are a great motivator to keep moving. They don't really let you sit still, regardless of the depression. Though they are active, they are really uplifting... and sometimes, too uplifting. Those are the days the anxiety is ramped and EVERYTHING seems to just stress me out. AHH!! SO, What do I do then?

 

If it were a perfect world, I would do a workout to relieve some steam, drink a glass of wine in the bathtub and relax... But we don't live in a perfect world, now do we. My kids don't nap, they don't sit still, and they don't calm down, like EVER! So... I normally put them upstairs, lock my bedroom door so they can't get in there and close the gate at the top of the stairs. They have T.V.'s, toys, and even a Wii up there, so it isn't like they are going to be bored... This gives me time to deal with whatever is causing me the anxiety. Typically messes, a never ending to-do list, or some other small, petty thing that for most people wouldn't even be given a second thought.

 

This is the life I live. Every. Single. Day. Some days are worse then others, some slightly better. I struggle with OCD which makes messes seem much bigger and more important then things that would generally be important. There are some things that I always make sure that are done before I go to bed.

1.  My children have Breakfast made and ready for them for the morning.
2. Dishes are washed, my sink is cleaned out, my counters are clean, my table is clean. Less anxiety in the morning.
3. My living room is clean.
4. My washer is loaded and just needs to be started in the morning.
5. I put Serenity doTERRA essential oil blend in my diffuser. (helps for a good sleep, which is something I struggle with.)

These are only a few of the things I do in order to keep my anxiety down. All of these are parts of some habits I have created for myself using FlyLady. It's part of my Control Journal. I'll share more about that later though.

 



 

JOKE: What is the advantage of stress?

Answer: You never have to make your bed, since you’re always in it.

 

When you feel like things are overwhelming, just think "WWDD." What Would Dory Do?

Just keep swimming,

Just keep swimming,

Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, swimming!

Drastic Reductions

Due to lack of business, SAD Fitness has had to make some major reductions. As a first wave of reductions, all services have reduced to limited days and times. As soon as business picks back up, I will be able to offer more time and services.

1. Personal Fitness Training for in-home has been limited to the follow days and times:
• Sunday - 1p to 9p
• Monday - 5a to 11a
• Tuesday - 5a to 9p
• Wednesday - 5a to 9p (select Wednesdays only)
2. Online training available. All workouts will be scheduled and share to clients on Sunday of each week.
3. Nutrition Accountability and Guidance will be offered with weekly check-ins.
4. I will no longer be offering online scheduling. All appointments must be book directly with me via email, phone, or Facebook.
5. I will no longer be offering free training but I will be offering gift cards and gift certificates.
6. I am continueing to offer doTERRA Essential Oils products as well as Team Beachbody and Shakeology products. I will not, however, be hosting and free events for the time being.
7. I will no longer be sending free samples. If you would like to try something, contact me and we will discuss shipping charges.
8. My blog will be growing. I will be sharing information through my blog more frequently.
9. As always, I will be available through Facebook and email! :-)

Pricing as follows
Personal Fitness Training:

• Nutrition Guidance and accountability (online)- $15/month
• In-Home Training:
• Fitness Assessment - $75 (1.5 - 3 hrs)
• add on - Nutrition consultation - FREE (.5hr)
• add on - Training Session - $35 (1 hr)
• Training Session - $40 (1 hr)
• Multiple sessions - 4 sessions - $144 (saves 10%)
• Month Training with 5 days a week - $600 (saves 25%)
• add on - 30 minutes - $15
• Online Training
• Phone Consultation - $50 (.5 hr)
• add on - Nutrition consultation - $15 (.5 hr)
• Training opt 1- $220/month (4 workouts a week)
• add on - In-home session - $35 (1 hr)
• Training opt 2 - $240/month (5 workouts a week)
• add on - In-home session - $20 (1 hr)
• Online Powerpoint or Video classes (.5-3 hr)
• doTERRA Essential Oil Classes - $10
• Team Beachbody Seminars - $10
• Personal Training - $20

Let's do the Twist

Back in the 1960s, this was a popular song. Even though I was born well after the 60s, I know all the words (compliments of my parents)! But we're not talking about the song. We're talking about exercise. All exercises work in at least one or two plane of motion, the Saggital (back to front motions) and Frontal (side to side motions) planes. Unfortunately, there is a plane that is getting overlooked; the transverse (rotational or twisting) plane. Overlooking exercises that work in the transverse plane can lead to muscle imbalances and joint dysfunction ultimately leading to injury.

I recently read in a magazine called "The Training Edge" about covering all planes of motion in regular exercise routines, including the transverse. I am often finding that I forget about the transverse plane. "Whether it's for daily activities or sports, you move in the transverse plane. People get injured trying to eccentrically decelerate transverse motion." A quote by Brent Brookbush, MS, NASM-CPT, CES, PES, president of B2C Fitness in New York, and author of Fitness or Fiction: The Truth about Diet and Exercise.

An example of eccentric movement in your daily life is turning and picking up something on the counter. I do this when washing dishes, I dont walk sideways to pick up the pot. I rotate my upper body, moving it in the transverse plane, and pick up a dish to wash, then rotate back to the original position. Even then I rotate again to move it to rinse, and again to set it to dry. 

Exercises in the transverse plane will be similar in motion to those we use in our daily lives. It will strengthen weaken, often neglected muscles, which may lead to injury prevention.

Exercises recommended by Brookbush:

Ø  Lower Body - Progress to rotational lunges and step-ups.

Ø  Core - Target through static chop patterns or cable rotations.

Ø  Upper Body - Train with moves such as push-ups, bench presses, and chest and reverse flies.

So, next time you workout, through on some Chubby Checker and "Let's do the Twist"!

Refreshing foods

I am not a fan of drinking water. I know, I'm a personal trainer... I should be encouraging water drinking. Really I do, and I will. I am going to now... Promise... But first, let's talk about food.

Drinking water is really not the only way to get hydration. "Reports indicate that you get 20%-25% of your daily water intake from food," says Dominique Adair, MS, RD, who is based in New York City. Some of the foods that have the highest content of hydration are fruits and vegetables. But that doesn't mean that is all they are good for.

Cantaloupe - Though 90% of its weight is water, this fruit contains 30 times more beta-carotene than oranges

Eggplant - With 92% water weight, it draws its color from plant pigments called anthocyanins, antioxidants that protect cells.

With 92% water, this vegetable can be eaten raw or cooked and is extremely rich in antioxidants. It's also an excellent source of potassium, folate, and magnesium, all of which can help keep blood pressure down.

This fruit packs water--92% to be exact--and also lycopene, a phytonutrient important for cardiovascular and bone health that has also shown some promise in protecting against certain cancers.

This vegetable boasts 92% water, plus vitamin C--184 milligrams, or 307% of the Daily Value.

Now, back to what I was saying... I do not like drinking water. Eating fruits and vegetables makes it a little easier since I don't have to drink AS much. Now, let's add another step in all of this. How about putting fruits and vegetables IN your water?

For instance, thinly slice a cucumber, I like to then coat each slice with a little lemon or lime, then drop each piece into a gallon of water. You can let it sit for 10 minute or all day if you want. Take the "drinking water" out of drinking water and you are getting nutrients from the cucumber as well! Here are a few other healthy water add-ins!

• Cantaloupe and Strawberry
• Watermelon and Cucumber
• Grapefruit
• Lemon
• Apple, Orange, and Raspberry
• Lime and Mint
• Strawberry and Orange
• Blueberry
• Apple Cinnamon

20-Minute Home HIIT

As a Stay at Home mom, I know that finding time to do a workout is tricky. You have to squeeze in what you can, where you can. It is because I know how precious your time is that I build workouts that fit into your life style. I help a lot of people train in their homes when time is of short supply. If you fall into this category, try this 20-minute Home HIIT. It's great for all levels of training and will give your WHOLE BODY a great workout.

You are going to spend 20 seconds on each exercise and rest for 10-15 seconds between set. There will be a total of 8 rounds for each exercise. You will want to complete ALL rounds of one exercise before moving on to the next.

 

Exercises for HIIT Routine:

1.)    Squat to overhead press.

*This exercise requires dumbbells, if these are unavailable, you can use barbells, canned food, or bottled water.*

a.       Stand upright holding dumbbells at shoulder height, elbows bent and palms facing in.

b.      Bend at the hips and knees, lowering into a squat with the dumbbells still at shoulder height.

c.       Thrust up, coming back upright and press the dumbbells overhead, extending your arms fully.

*Less intensity - Use lighter or no weights.

*More intensity - Use heavier weight. If you are using canned goods or a water bottle, fill the water bottle with sand or stones. Bigger water bottles can hold more!

 

2.)    Burpee with Pushup.

*No equipment needed*

a.       Start in a standing upright.

b.      Squat down placing your hands on the floor and jump your feet back to the plank position.

c.       Perform a pushup, lowering your chest down to the floor and pushing back up to a plank position.

d.      Jump your feet in, bringing your knees to your chest while keeping your hands on the floor.

e.      Come to an upright position and jump into the air, raising your arms over head.

f.        Return to the mid position and then jump your feet back out to a plank position.

*Less intensity - bring your knees to the ground before performing the push up.

*More intensity - Use ankle or wrist weights while performing exercises.

*INSANE intensity variation 1 - use hand weights

*INSANE intensity variation 2 - use a weighted vest.

 

3.)    Reverse Lunge with kick.

*No equipment needed*

a.       Start standing upright with your arms at your sides.

b.      Step backward, dropping your back knee to the floor and leaning your torso slightly forward with your weight on your front leg.

c.       In one motion, push off your front foot to return upright and kick out your back leg in front to waist height.

d.      Step back to lunge position and repeat.

e.      COmplete all repitions on one side before switching to the other side.

*Less intensity - Place your hands on your front knee to hold balance.

*Less intensity - hold lunge position a little longer catching balance between kicks.

*More intensity  - Kick higher and/or perform more reps.

 

4.)    Pull over and sit up.

*Requires dumbbell... If these are unavailable, you can use canned food or bottled water.*

a.       Start by laying on your back with the weight (Again, canned spinach is my personal favorite!) above your head, knees at a right angle.

b.      Lift the weight straight up towards the ceiling with your arms slightly bent.

c.       Lift your body into a sitting position, arms raised over your head. *hint: you may need to use some leverage on your feet.*

d.      Lay back down, keeping the weight in the air.

e.      Lay weight above your head and repeat.

*Less intensity - Use a lighter weight.

*More intensity - use heavier weight.

Danielle M. Montoya, NASM-CPT4

SADFitness@gmail.com

(C) 907-687-1657